*The Masked Mountaineer’s views do not necessarily (but probably) represent the views of BGP. This is only for entertainment purposes. The Masked Mountaineer is not responsible for App State losses under any circumstance but will gladly take credit for a win against Wake Forest.*

Get ready for hordourves purchased from organic section at The Fresh Market and prepare to sip on some expensive Cabernet Sauvignon. Don’t forget to wear your Brooks Brothers button up and bring your wife that is too hot for you but loves you for your money. It’s Wake week!

Listen to the Wake Forest vs App State Preview

Wake Forest was sort of founded in 1834 as a Baptist school in the Eastern part of the state and then up and moved to Winston-Salem in 1946. I can’t blame them seeing as how nobody really wants to be in Eastern NC between Wilson and the beach. Their enrollment is around 8,000 which makes consistently competing in the ACC a challenge. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Wake was the first P5 school to agree to play App State in Boone. We are grateful to them for that alone. They will also be the first P5 school to take an L in Boone. This column is a cupcake as far as Smack Talk goes. Brace yourself, Deacs.

Alright, class. Enough backstory. I gave you the Official App State Code of Conduct this week. Now it’s time to get down to business. Pay attention!

Five Reasons to Smack Talk Wake Forest!

1) The Demon Deacon mascot sucks.

The Demon Deacon is a middle aged rich man that drives a motorcycle and wears silly outfits. He listens to the Doobie Brothers and feels like he has a “rebellious” side because he has Bad Company’s Greatest Hits on CD. The Deacon obviously has adult onset erectile dysfunction. Mrs.Deacon is definitely less than pleased in the bedroom and definitely regrets listening to her mother’s advice in college to avoid that wild (and clearly superior) Mountain man: Yosef.

Side note: While researching this article I learned something new courtesy of Wikipedia about a former mascot: Ras Chavman (1981 Wake Forest graduate) fell into a coma after smashing his head on a Gatorade jug while headbanging to Van Halen’s “Runnin’ With the Devil.” Don’t rock too hard, kids.

2) Wake Forest fired their only good coach.

Jim Caldwell was the coach at Wake from 1993-2000 and had one winning season. Jim Grobe won at least six games in six of seven seasons and put together a pretty good resume. Grobe led them to an ACC Championship in 2006. Wake defeated Georgia Tech 9-6 in a game that has been removed from the internet due to graphic boredom. He went 117-121 at Wake which is respectable and led the program in the right way. Wake rewarded his success by canning him at the conclusion of the 2013 season. They still have one more ACC Championship than South Carolina has SEC Championships, so they deserve credit for that.

3) Duke > Wake.

I am not a Duke fan and even I admire how much this is a one-sided affair. Both of these schools are small private schools in a public school league. They attract the same demographic of northern kids with money. The ones that Duke turns down go to Wake. Duke is consistently excellent in basketball and lacrosse. Duke has improved greatly in football and baseball. They have a strong niche carved out in the league. Coach K, Cameron Crazies, Christian Laettner. People love them or love to hate them. Wake is just… there. They’re like the kid in your biology class that doesn’t show up for 3 weeks. Nobody notices because he sits in the back and doesn’t say anything. Wake is hard to dislike too much because we tend to be indifferent towards their existence.

4) Their fans are hard to find.

When was the last time you asked somebody you had just met “Who do you cheer for?” and they responded “Wake Forest.” Have you ever met a diehard Wake fan? I haven’t. I went to FSU-Wake games growing up and FSU fans took over consistently. Nine hours from Tallahassee!

5) Wake Forest is lucky to be in the ACC.

Wake receives approximately $25 million every year JUST from being a member. The ACC made nearly 90 million off of the playoffs last year. $25 million is slightly smaller than App State’s entire athletics budget of $30 million. They have good facilities. This is a program that SHOULD BE successful. Instead, they are more like the kid blessed with rich parents and great intelligence that grows up an underachiever that works a job at McDonalds. Wake fans, play this game: Ask a stranger to list off ACC teams off the top of their head. I would bet my life savings that Wake is listed no higher than 7th on anyone’s list and that might generous. Once they say “Georgia Tech” perk your ears up because either Wake, Boston College or Pittsburgh is coming up next. Wake Forest is fortunate that the conference doesn’t kick them out due to historical membership and solid academics. They bring no big market or brand name with them. The Deacs fall short of the rest of the conference when it comes to any sort of sustained athletic success.

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