*The Masked Mountaineer’s views do not necessarily (but probably) represent the views of BGP. This is for entertainment purposes only. The Masked Mountaineer is not responsible for App State losses under any circumstance but will gladly take credit for a win against Coastal Carolina.*

Coastal Kentucky Smack Talk Edition

Welcome to the #FunBelt Coastal Carolina! You already got a proper introduction on this week’s podcast (click the “Listen Now” button of your choice to listen). That said, it’s time to talk smack!  Unfortunately, CCU dropped a game to FCS opponent Western Illinois this year in true Sun Belt fashion. Even worse, this game wasn’t close. The Chanticleers lost 52-10. Ouch. That won’t help our strength of schedule. Of course, most App State fans became aware of Coastal Carolina in the FCS 12 years ago during the playoffs in Boone. Let me pay Coastal a compliment before I destroy them. App State fans should be grateful Coastal’s joining the Sun Belt. Having a regional rival in the league and a trip to the beach every other year will be fun. Additionally, part of me feels this could be our new Elon (suck it, Phoenix). Hopefully, this article will stoke the fire.

1) Coastal had my favorite late game screw up play EVER

Courtesy of GrandStrandSports:
The 9-1 Chants were seconds away from a second straight 10-win season on the 2005 season finale. Jerome Simpson was instructed to take a punt snap, run the clock out, and let the celebration begin. Eventually, Simpson ran out of bounds on the 1-yard line with 2 seconds left. Charleston Southern scored the game-tying touchdown on the final play and won in double overtime. Coastal’s outstanding season ended missing the playoffs.

Essentially, that play is the equivalent of Lonnie Smith getting picked off in the 1991 World Series times 10. Only a truly remarkable moron could pull off that type of imbecility. Imagine the MMB meltdown if one of our players had been dumb enough to do that.

2) Coastal Carolina School for Rejects

The average Coastal Carolina student wanted to attend College of Charleston but didn’t have the grades or class. Most of us have vacationed at “Dirty Myrtle.” Can you imagine attending school there? Only a truly perverted and classless soul could conclude that “Myrtle Beach” and “Learning” go hand in hand. Charleston is the classier, educated sibling of CCU. Coastal’s slogan should be,”Did Charleston turn you down? We won’t!”

3) Their Cheerleaders: 

Courtesy of The Weekly Standard (April 2017):
ome members of the CCU cheer team worked as strippers and escorts.…c
heerleaders involved in the escort services were paid between $100 and $1,500 per date. Cheerleaders also would receive goods such as Michael Kors purses, as well as shoes and clothes, according to the investigation. The cheerleaders would not engage in sexual favors, the report stated, but the investigation found “evidence of an escort service.” 

Yikes. On the other hand, bear with me. These girls deserve some credit. Coastal Cheerleaders ACTUALLY ARE stripping to pay for college! Therefore, these ladies have proven the infamous “Stripper Myth!” Chris Rock would be proud. Further, the cheer squad was on a website that helps “sugar daddies” find young women (seriously). Admirably, the school defended the co-eds. They made the case that this arrangement does not necessarily lead to sexual activity. Well played, Coastal.

4) A Chanticleer is a rooster from a fairy tale: 

Coastal needed a new mascot in the 1960s. They wanted to be unique but closely aligned with the USC Gamecock. Therefore, they turned to only place to find a mascot’s name: Chaucer’sCanterbury Tales. Who wouldn’t? The seven students with a 3.0+ GPA were on Mascot Naming Committee apparently. That said, the name Chanticleer is the LEAST indicative mascot of the college it represents. For example, you wouldn’t expect a girl named Gertrude to be attractive. Similarly, I would expect a white trash school in a white trash town to be named accordingly. Therefore, I present three new mascots for consideration: CCU Hangovers, CCU Trailer Trash, CCU Escorts.

5) (Probably) Fake Classes at Coastal Carolina:

I did not research Coastal classes before writing this post. Any exact matches are strictly coincidental.  Therefore, here are the “Probably Fake Classes at Coastal Carolina”:

Animal Noise Identification 1000
Venereal Disease: An Unnecessary Taboo 3030
Single-Wide Insurance Adjustment 4050
Zit vs Wart 2020
Escorts vs Prostitutes: The Nuanced Differences 5000
Picking the Right Community College: Repeater Freshman Studies 1000
Urologist Communication: Adjectives and Technical Terms 3080
18 or Here on Vacation?: Proper Discernment 1050
Stripping and College: Make Dual Enrollment Profitable 2000
Self-High Five: Diamond Dallas Page Appreciation 3100 (he went here briefly)

 It’s Great To Be A Mountaineer!

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